Soft Li-ion batteries, based on conventional organic electrolytes, face performance degradation challenges due to moisture penetration and safety concerns due to possible leakage of toxic fluorine compounds and flammable solvents under mechanical damage. We design a water-scarce hydrogel electrolyte with fluorine-free lithium salt to achieve wide electrochemical stability window (up to 3.11 volts) in ambient air without hermetic packaging while balancing high stretchability (1348%), ion conductivity (41 millisiemens per centimeter), and self-healing capabilities for mechanically and chemically safe stretchable Li-ion batteries. Molecular synergy between hydrophilicity and lithiophilicity of zwitterionic polymer backbone is revealed by molecular dynamics simulations. The battery exhibits capacity retention under harsh mechanical stresses-enduring stretching, twisting, folding, and multiple through-punctures by a needle-while self-healing from repeated through cuts by a razor blade. Stable ambient operation for 1 month over 500 charge-discharge cycles (average coulomb efficiency, 95%) is achieved. A prototype self-healing electronic system with embedded soft batteries demonstrates practical application as a durable embodied energy source.